Maxime is fourteen weeks! I am always in shock with how quickly each week passes...it is crazy. I was telling Jake the other day that it will be fourteen years since I graduated college?!? What?!? How did that happen? I will officially become "middle aged" in the next few months (but we all know I don't look a day over twenty-one!). All a little surreal. And, I am watching my baby grow up too quickly before my eyes...and all the wishing and hoping to stop time (just for a moment) is never going to happen. Max is getting older and older with each new day, as am I...there is no avoiding it...no matter how hard I try. I do have moments daily with Max that I want to stop the clock...be able to freeze time just for a moment...those moments when he is smiling at me so big, or staring at me because I am the most important person in his world (and we all know it won't be that way forever), or when he falls asleep in my arms with his little snore...these times are escaping me...and freezing time just in those moments would be perfect. There are also times when I would hit fast forward on that clock...on that one more nursing session, on that nap that is never going to happen, on those cranky days where you can't do anything right...but I am constantly reminded that with life comes the crazy and life would be no fun with a fast forward button. Now, a "wine me" button...sign me up! Week fourteen is done and gone for little Maxime!
So, what did week fourteen bring for Maxime? Well, (as I am listening to him cry), it brought some BAD naps. I thought he was turning a corner...I was wrong. He has especially been bad these last few days. Not sure if it just an off week or growth spurt...who knows. Sadly, I still allow my day to be dictated by the success of my boys' naps. I need to work on that. He has also started nursing horribly in the morning...acts like it is so overwhelming. However, unlike his brothers - he doesn't scream at me when he doesn't want to nurse, he just pulls off and smiles at me so big...he makes it all worth it. So, I tend to spend too much time nursing this little boy in the morning...drives me crazy...and clearly, I can allow this to affect my day as well. I need to realize that my routine won't be perfect everyday. Some days, a baby will need to be rocked in order to sleep...and my to-do list won't get done...definitely easier for me to type than to embrace. I like a plan, I like order...I like my selfish plans for the day to always come to fruition...sigh. I do hope this next week he has better naps...but my joy will not be dependent upon it. Max had his three month appointment - he is now 13lbs. 2oz. and a little over 23in....he is getting big! He had another shot...I have no idea what for, but whatever. We also discussed his cough (which the doctor heard)...she is guessing it might be croup; however, he rarely coughs at night so she has some doubts on the croup since normally that is the worst at night. Her second idea is an underdeveloped larynx since he has very raspy breathing, which he has had since birth. This can be fairly common she explained and we shouldn't be concerned unless it looked like he was getting distressed while trying to breathe. He'll grow out of it. It doesn't surprise us that he has something weird...all of our kids did!
There have definitely been times this past week that I didn't want to be a mom. I am tired...between business taxes (for the company I work for) and personal taxes (because the US cannot leave us alone)...there have been some late nights. I want to sleep...not parent. I want to have a glass a wine at two in the afternoon (seriously) and not play another game. I know that my sinful heart is at the root of all my issues. Sometimes, I seek joy in all the wrong places. Everything would be perfect if I could just stop time for about four hours every night, but then I know I would most likely waste those hours. I know I just need to get my focus off myself...but some days it is such a struggle. Some days I just want my kids to dress themselves, get their own snacks, make their own food (why do they have to eat three times per day?!?...plus snacks?!?...give me a break!)...and I just want to sit and do absolutely nothing, but I know God is not glorified in doing that...and my kids would starve. It just feels like groundhog's day some weeks...tis' my season. I pray I focus my heart on Christ every morning...caring with a whole heart for the littles He has entrusted to me...and sometimes, pouring a glass of wine at two in the afternoon with no judgement.