Saturday, April 5, 2014

All Done!


Yay, Maxime is twenty weeks!  (Maybe, you can actually see me saying "yay"!)  This Mama is ALL DONE with this week.  I am in the midst of another single parenting week...and I am ALL DONE.  It didn't help that I had to run all around trying to secure a VISA for Max and dealing with sick children...punch me in the face...oh, and my internet was down...punch me in the face again.  I love my boys...they make my heart full...but single parenting is rough...super rough...I am a better mother when my husband is with me...for sure.  I am fairly certain that if Jake was going to be away for another week that I would need to be joke.  And, being committed would feel like a vacation...amen.  However, vacation is, I won't need to be committed...which is probably for the best.  Ok, no more ranting about my "poor me" really has been fine, just tiring, which I do a lot of that to myself. 

 So, what did week twenty bring for sweet Max?  Well, it has been a long week.  Honestly, I don't think it started out that way, but now I have been so blinded by the last few days that now it just seems like it has been a long, hard week.  Max is sick...and he is a hot mess...just during the day.  He is still sleeping decent at night, so no complaints there.  I am still dream feeding him and always wondering when I should stop it...but being the overthinker that I am (it is such a gift) I worry too much about him not, the dream feeding will continue.  And, going back to the overthinking...Max seems like he is on a bit nursing strike, which of course makes me think that something is wrong and we all know my mommy issues on breastfeeding (the list is long).  However, this time around - there will be no guilt in quitting and no pumping.  Honestly (and this is going to make me sound like the worst mother worries though, I already secured that when I forgot to pick-up my five year-old at school), I only breastfeed to watch is the only time I watch shows and it wouldn't fly if I was bottle feeding Max that I needed to retreat to my room...Jake isn't that clueless.  So, I don't breastfeed for bonding (I really don't think those two words should ever be in the same sentence), or to save money (that may shock some of you), or for the health of my baby (because we all know that I don't eat healthy)...I do it for the smut TV and to learn some Turkish (wow, writing it out really does make me sound horrible...however, you never know when you are going to need to know some Turkish).  When I actually tell some moms that I hate breastfeeding, they look at me like I just killed my is crazy how they are so many things out there that we all can be so passionate about.  Anyway, so when my internet was out this week and I was having to nurse, I actually thought time stopped while nursing and then I became so pathetic that I started watching my boys' shows on the iPad...that didn't last long...there is something disturbing about watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse while nursing a baby without any children watching with me.  Ok, moving on...I am hopeful that Max kicks his nursing strike, because I have GOT to keep up with my shows!

Although Max hates nursing, he still acts fairly happy...definitely not super happy, but he is trying.  He is probably happier than I am. He will be all smiles and then burst into tears when someone coughs or one of his brothers screams (that happens A LOT in this house)...he needs more sleep (the story of my life)...ugh.  And, I should mention that he was a total rockstar when we got his VISA (yes, he is required to be there...and no, they don't even bother to look at him)...he was a was a long day, a very long day.  He has been spending more time outside - enjoying the beautiful weather.  He just hangs out...this baby is so chill when he wants to be (which is honestly, the majority of the time).  He still spends a lot of time in the Bumbo and the bouncer, and still hates tummy time.  Should I be worried that he is almost five months old and nowhere close to rolling over?  Nah.  He is contemplating sucking his thumb...however, he still has no access to those said thumbs during sleeping hours...yep, still rocking that Woombie...woot, woot.  We decided to move forward with him seeing an ENT - he will visit him at the end of May.  We figure it is better to be safe and rule out any issues and after the week I had, Jake will for sure be taking Max to this appointment...for sure.  I HATE driving in Lausanne because I cannot park...yep, I seriously lack parking skills.  Max still loves to be tickled, to stand up and be tough, be loved on by his brothers, be snuggled by Mama, have big open smiles, and just be an all around sweet, sweet, sweet little baby.

I see a light at the end of this tunnel...there is a long flight before that bright light, but it is there.  I am just thankful we got all the paperwork sorted out for Max - to say that was a stressful situation would be an understatement.  I just need to get through this next week.  And, I need to do it with an attitude that reflects Christ...hard, hard, hard...however, it is very humbling when I am having one of those moments where I have one foot over the edge of a cliff and I am starting to pull my hair out...and my five year-old says, "Mama, you just love your kids so much."  Oh, wow - puts my heart in check.  I DO love these boys SO much, so, so much!!!  Sometimes, I need a five year-old to give me a little nudge...especially on those hard days when you feel like you can never catch a break.  Our song with the boys right now is "In Christ Alone"...HE is my light, my strength, my song...thankful I know those words to be true!  Now, to focus on those words this next week...and take a deep breath!